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A Fan's Motivation

I expect the attendance and crowd performance at this weekend's Furman game will be underwhelming. I also expect a fair amount of hand-wringing on the fecklessness of the UNC fanbase because of this expected crowd response, and I'd like to preempt that to some degree.

First of all, it's Furman. A D1-AA school facing a disappointingly 0-2 Tar Heel team. That alone would supress turnout, but the game also falls on Football Nirvana - how many diehard fans are going to stay home to watch real games? And can you really fault anyone who does?

Still, it seems something greater than indifference should be directed at the visiting Paladins. It's not their fault the scheduling gurus fell down on the job. And I was trolling the internet I stumbled across the following motivation:

Furman receives funds annually from the Duke Endowment for general operating support and for special projects and programs.

Ladies and gentlemen, I submit to you that this entire "Furman University" was created solely by people with the foresight to realize Duke University football would inevitably devolve into the pathetic state it currently inhabits. Knowing this, resources were set aside to stockpile a more talented football team in the unobserved environs of Division 1-AA. This football team exists only to accomplish what the Blue Devils cannot; to defeat and embarass Tar Heels Football.

This cannot be allowed to happen. What those in attendance at Kenan stadium, as well as the two folks who can find ESPNU on their TVs, will witness is nothing less than opening salvo of North Carolina vs. Duke 2006. This is Duke's only real chance to win at football, and they must not be allowed to do so. So on Saturday, don't look down onto the field and see a team named after silly-looking French soldiers with no relation to the Carolinas; instead see the team, well, named after silly-looking French soldiers with no relation to the Carolinas, but the ones we as Tar Heels really, really, hate.

It is your duty to stop the Dukification of the UNC football schedule in every regard. Have at it.