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ACC Football Week #3: Review

My apologies to pretty much everyone for the following.


Tell me Great Muse of this Week Three
And the armies of the Atlantic Coast fighting against many foes
Did they fare well or did they once again
Wet their jock straps as they did in Weeks One and Two?
And the Muse did answer, “I will tell you this tale
Through the Fan of Tar Heels for he has a BA in English
And he really should us it.”

Chapter The First

And so it was in Suburbs of Gotham the Army of Chapel Hill
Did take up battle with the Knights of Jersey
And woe it has been many years since the Blue Clad Warriors
Had tasted the fruits of victory outside their own kingdom
For they had sucketh for many moons under the deposed general Bunting.
A Thursday Night under the watchful eyes of the Mouse Monster
The Army of Chapel Hill did affront the traditions of the elders
And donned for themselves loincloths of a darker hue
Causing the Ebays to ponder,
“What is this bewitching the Butch has brought?”
Yet, the loincloths possessed a magic which had alluded them for many years
Bringing forth crushing hits on defense and a somewhat decent running game
And thus the Black Footed Ones did smite the Scarlet Knights
With masterful thievery of overthrown passes
And the blazing speed from Tate and Nicks
For Yates had overcome the Rust Spell to deploy the football to many targets
And so bloody was the battle the faithful became restless
With boos cascading from the assembly leading to much handwringing
And a head start in drunken debauchery for the youth.

Chapter The Second

It came to pass two days hence in the Land of Mary, He Of Large Girth cried
“The points! The points! Where shall I find enough points in a day
Behold the Tree Huggers of Berkley cross the Great Plain
To contest us in the Park and we have not points to defeat them”
For the one they called Ralph had seen in the fortnight past
His mighty army falleth to pieces against lesser enemies
Winning by a mere touchdown against Hens of Blue
Before falling in humiliation to the Hillbillies of the West.
And so came the Tree Huggers Of Berkley
Carrying with them the numbering of the AP and The Coaches
Leading many to believe that the Great Turtle would be soup by halftime
Yet, a Mighty Defense did rise among the Turtles
And the Field Commander Turner throwing to his own receivers for a change.
To much surprise the Tree Huggers were faint of heart and possibly jet lagged
And fell flat on their face to no longer be numbered among the Blessed 25

Chapter The Third

And out of the Land of Mary came Sailor Warriors from Annapolis by the Sea
Entering low into the Lair of Satan to battle with Oxygen Deprived Devils
But alas Satan was not found in his Ivory Tower
Having been called to film a commercial for American Express
Yet the Master of Mannings was wielding a strange magic in the Devil’s Lair
Bringing forth victories, butts in the seats
And the promise of real toilets for the menfolk.
But lo the Devil’s Oracle Harris was heard through the Bull
Whining of botched calls and vile acts that only he could see
Still the Devils did prevail with Lewis and Riley
Producing many points which was fortunate
Since the defense had not a clue
And in Hell, a strong chill was felt
And much fear at what two football wins in Durham might mean.

Chapter The Fourth

From the Bricks in the Carolina Capital the Pack of Wolves
With many wounded did descend a second time
Into the Fifth Circle of Hell known to some as South Carolina
For the first adventure taken just a fortnight before
Found the Pack of Wolves cursed by the Witch King Spurrier
Who did pound the Red Ones into submission.
Yet the one called Wilson had been healed in his head
And the Marine General rallied his troops
And marched into the Valley of Death hoping to usurp the Great Atlantic Power
But alas the leaves had not changed
And the Wolves found the Son of Bowden still strong
Not yet succumbing to the sleep of November
The Son of Bowden sent forth Three Warriors: Harper, Spiller and Davis
To undo the Pack’s defensive plans and score many points
While the Wolves impaled themselves in their own paws
With many field goal misses and the inability to convert on 3rd down.
Thus the misery of the fall continued for the Wolves
While the Son of Bowden worked feverishly to stop the sun on All Hallows Eve

Chapter The Fifth

And a cry was heard, from the mountains west of Richmond
Among those who wear the Crest of the Gobbler
That the Generals in Blacksburg had been blinded
And no longer commanded the troops to great victories
For the Gobblers, with the Crown of the Atlantic Coast on their heads
Did fall to the Scourge of the East, Pirates from Greeneville
Who pillaged the Turkey Army in the Queen City
And set a blaze redshirt of Taylor.
For The Goiter had knighted Glennon his Field Commander
And attached the red tunic to Taylor’s back.
It came to be that Glennon was felled by a fierce pass rush
And the lack of good receivers.
Seeing this the Goiter did declare that the red tunic be stripped
And Taylor also command the troops
But did not elaborate on how the heck that was supposed to work.
And lo, a great swarm did rise from South and descend on Blacksburg
With a New King, recently of Annapolis by the Sea holding in his hand
The Staff of the Option Offense which drove many a field general to madness
And so it was decreed among the Scribes that the Swarm would prevail
Working the magic of the Option Offense to destroy the Gobblers.
But unknown to the Yellow Jacket King, being new to the empire
Was the Zebra Herd that often worked their woe at inopportune times.
And it came to pass with Gobblers marching in hopes of taking the lead
A Yellow Jacket grabbed the mask of a Taylor touching his helmet with his own
And the Zebra Herd was angered and rained much yellow on the field
Declaring condemnation and marching the ball of 30 yards for a 1st down.
And the Gobblers rejoiced and kicked a field goal and played solid defense
Thus silencing the peasants from calling the coaches show.
While the Jacket King did risk the wrath of Lord Swofford
With many protestations to the Scribes.

Chapter The Sixth

What more shall we say then other than this:
Bowden the Elder commands his troops still
Despite the besetting of an elderly state
And the need for a nap in the afternoon.
For there are armies left to be conquered, small and weak ones
With the consistency of small cakes also having frosting on top.
The thrashing of Carolina to the West and Chattnooga
Satisfies Bowden the Elder and keep paces with Paterno the Ancient.
Or shall we cry for the School of Jefferson
Of Gentleman and Cavaliers who can find no commander to lead the troops?
But the White Wolves of Storrs cared not
And maimed the Virginia Gentleman
While Lalich got his story straight with the probation office.


And at Salem and Winston the Deacons of the Forest reclined
Contemplating the Seminoles and conquering the Atlantic Region
While the Eagles of the North simply had fun.
While Shannon of The U did whine
That the Pope of Gainsville was just plain mean
And so it was that in Week Three
The Empire acquitted itself in a more glorious manner
With the exception of Virginia, which apparently sucketh.

Record This Week: 6-1
Record This Season: 22-6