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In Which I Go Slightly Mad

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Of all the NCAA losses, I probably remember the aftermath in 1995 the most. The entire campus had been incredibly cheerful in March - everyone had a skip in their step, a song in their heart and a beer in their hand. And as soon as UNC dropped the game to Arkansas, the weather changed, the temperature dropped, and everybody failed their Chemistry test that the professor really shouldn't have scheduled on Monday to begin with. It was my first experience with how the basketball team suffuses the atmosphere of the campus - I think it was a good two weeks before the place came back to life.

Anyway, a friend who had made the trip to Seattle e-mailed this around after the fact. This is what losing can do to the mind of a UNC college student:

Mr. Fiddle-Fiddle and His Trip To Seattle

Once upon a time there was a funny old man named Mr. Fiddle-Faddle. He was a funny old man indeed, for his back was so crooked that he had to walk with a stick. His beard was so long that he had to throw it over his shoulder like a continental soldier to keep from stepping on it. His voice was so old he had to hold up one of those little electronic jobbies to it in order to be heard. When he spoke his voice sounded just like a robot. When he would pass by the sandlot, all the little children would run and frolic about him and get him to talk so they could hear his robot voice. Mr. Fiddle-Faddle would speak to them and wave his cane high in the air. Then all the little children would jump him, beat him up, and take away all his money. Then they would dance away with it, scampering off to buy drugs.

After several weeks of this sort of treatment, Mr. Fiddle-Faddle became quite indignant. (Vocabulary word I: indignant) "I am awfully tired of them kicking my rear end every day and taking away all of my money to buy drugs. I think I will follow the Tar Heels on their Final Four trip to Seattle" And so, one bright shiny day, Mr. Fiddle-Faddle gathered all of his things into a small kerchief and began the journey to Seattle. (Vocabulary word II: kerchief)

Once he arrived in Seattle, Mr. Fiddle-Faddle was very happy. "I am so terribly happy to be here!" he exclaimed. "Now I get to see Carolina beat the flahookey out of Arkansas." But then Mr. Fiddle-Faddle became very sad. He realized that he did not have any tickets to see the game.

"I know!" Mr. Fiddle-Faddle exclaimed, "I will sell all of everything I have to the scalpers in order to get a ticket to the game." (Vocabulary word III: scalpers) So Mr. Fiddle-Faddle took out his old tattered kerchief and sold everything that was in it in order to get a ticket.

It wasn't long however, before the children noticed that Mr. Fiddle-Faddle had stopped coming past the sandlot. "He must have gone to Seattle to watch Carolina play basketball!" they said. "Let's all go to Seattle too so we can listen to his funny, funny voice and get his tickets and sell them for beer." And so they did.

Heartbroken, Mr. Fiddle-Faddle lay in a gutter with his back more crooked than it had ever been before. "My tickets are gone! Oh, woe is me! How will I ever see the Tar Heels play Arkansas now?"

As he was saying this, a certain basketball player named Dante overheard the poor man's story. Dante came around the corner and said, "Oh sir, I have pity on you. It is a shame that you cannot go to see the game." Dante pulled out a rubber mask and a basketball uniform. "Take my place on the court tonight. I've played at so many other games that I can't even count them on my fingers and toes! Dress up to look like me tonight, so you will have the opportunity to not only see the game, but to play in it as well."

So Mr. Fiddle-Faddle gleefully put on the uniform and went out on the court. Disguised as Dante, he was able to score 2 points, an achievement of which he was proud to his dying day.

And that is the reason why Dante and the whole Carolina team played like s**t on Saturday and royally got their a** kicked. (Vocabulary word IV: s**t) (Vocabulary word V: a**)

THE END
We were some strange, strange individuals.