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Better Dead Than in the Capital One Bowl

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Editors Note: This space often contains well-reasoned, impassioned arguments advocating a college football playoffs. This is not one of those pieces.

Authorial Note: The author and the editor are the same person, so I'm really not sure what's up with this "Editor's Note" business.

Sommelier's Note: In addition to my authorial and editorial duties, may I recommend a nice syrah this evening?

Ladies and Gentlemen.

You may have read my esteemed colleagues remarks slandering playoff advocates such as myself with the red brush of communism . And although he has in recent days recanted  much of this slander, it shall not be allowed to obscure the truth behind the red menace infecting the shores of our great nation. Like a man trying to hide his own faults by accusing others of the same crime, it is proponents of the BCS system that truly hew the Leninist line of thinking, and we can no longer stand idlely by as they bring a once proud American tradition to its knees.

 

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The World's Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party (Artist's Rendition)

Capitalism is built on the bedrock principle of the unfettered competition of the free market, as is the playoff system. Financial interests (football teams) compete in this market (football games) were success is determined solely by who obtains the better position at the intercepts of supply and demand (winning football games). It needs no committee, no byzantine system, no elaborate establishment of protections; success is evident to all who observe it. It is elegant in its simplicity.

Communism, on the other hand subverts this natural order. They subvert the spirit of competition for the good of the state. Winners are chosen by self-interested party officials (the coaches poll) and mid-level bureaucrats (the Associated Politburo), often before anything is even brought to market (preseason polls). Some can do everything asked of them and succeed beyond their wildest hopes, only to be denied the fruits of their labor (Auburn, Hawaii); others can fail time and time again and still be propped up by a preferential role in a tired state system (Notre Dame). Communism tears down the religions that have served mankind for generations (Citrus Bowl, Rose Bowl) and replace them with institutions whose only fealty is to the state (The BCS Championship, the Capital One Bowl, the Rose Bowl Game Presented by Citi) . They imbue minor events with great importance (Fiesta Bowl) in order to supplant the ideals cherished by the people. And our friends in Georgia would excuse all of this by hiding under the claim of democratic elections? Cuba has elections. North Korea has elections. And both are as democratic as what occurs every fall week across our great nation in our newspapers and our universities. This Red Menace is at war with our very souls, and it must be stopped at every point it intends to attack.

 

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Still from a recent documentary covering the malicious grip the BCS system has over righteous American citizens, in theaters now. Note that if this was a Communist Georgia blog this would be a still from the Sex in the City movie. Also this post would be ten times as long. Do you know who else likes long speeches? Castro.

In conclusion, I have no conclusion, for capitalism has no conclusion, democracy has no conclusion and America has no conclusion. I instead leave you wth random rhetorical flourishes: A postseason divided against itself cannot stand. You shall not crucify football upon a cross of roses. The only thing we have to fear is the BCS itself. Mssrs. Delaney and Hansen, tear down this bowl. Let us not assassinate this sport further, Commissioners. You've done enough. Have you no sense of decency, at long last? Have you left no sense of decency?"