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The UNC Hater’s Guide to the 2017 Football Season

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We cheat, we’re not good at football, and that’s okay. We’re a basketball school.

North Carolina v Louisville Photo by Andy Lyons/Getty Images

A lot of people love North Carolina football. There are many more who are ambivalent to it. And there are some who possess an obsessive hatred for the Tar Heels. This is addressed to the latter of the three groups.

Carolina Fans And the Program, In General

It is a well-known fact that Carolina has a reputation for loading up on nobodies out-of-conference (Note: home-and-homes this decade with Ohio State and Tennessee were cancelled by Ohio State and Tennessee). Just two years ago, the “two FCS” argument was the playoff committee’s rationale for keeping a potential 12-1 ACC Champion out of the Playoff.

Since we’re here...

The Heels are simply getting in on the SEC’s famed ‘SoCon Challenge’ in the season’s second-to-last week, but I guess the haters have a point. Tar Heels ain’t played nobody.

Another big issue, Carolina fans absolutely do not show up for games. The biggest UNC football game in 20 years was the 2015 ACC Championship, and Carolina Blue in Bank of America Stadium was sparse. (Note: Clemson clinched the Atlantic two weeks before Carolina clinched the Coastal, giving them a slight head start on ticketing.)

That’s right. Despite an undefeated conference record, Carolina fans just couldn’t be bothered to show up in Charlotte, two hours away from Chapel Hill. While we’re on the subject...

CLEARLY offsides. And...we’re not bitter at all. Fact is, we’re just too institutionally weak and basketball-minded to support our program. Be sure to tell us that when you see us.

Oh, right, the big one. We cheat. A lot. SEC Commissioner Greg Sankey brought allegations BACK into the Committee on Infractions’ case, because maintaining academic integrity is at the forefront of the NCAA’s mission. A whopping 27% of students in a particular African-American studies course were athletes— a clear sign that something is not quite right in Chapel Hill.

I mean, who wants to be with 73% ‘regular’ students, anyway? From where I sit, that’s the real crime. Just go to one of these schools where you can get academic credit and not be bothered by the ‘normies’.

Remember to tweet to recruits— ALWAYS tweet to recruits!— to attend a school where you don’t have to join the frat boys, the hippies, the jersey chasers, and the dweebs. Not that the choice will be the recruit’s, anyway. The athletics program WILL be shut down in short order. This is very important. The NCAA has been there for seven years. The Nero (in the form of Roy Williams) watching Rome burn moment is upon us.

One final thing that we REALLY have taken to: don’t call us UNC. Or North Carolina. No, we’re UNC-Chapel Hill. We don’t want to be confused with Asheville, Greensboro, Wilmington, Charlotte, or any of the other affiliated schools in the state. We love being UNC-Chapel Hill.

Coaches

Well, clearly Larry Fedora made a deal with the devil to give up his brain matter for a rockin’ set of abs.

Fedora, known as an offensive mastermind, has zero control of his brand. The Heels only scored 18 points in a win (note: not important) against Miami in 2012, 26 in back-to-back wins over Virginia and Pitt in 2015, and 20, again against Miami, last year. For a guy known for his offenses, he’s really not good at coaching offenses.

The offensive staff alone has a Heckendorf, a Gunter, and a Kapilovic. Good luck pronouncing those names, but it’ll be easy to make fun of them. Gunter. LOL. The D has a Papuchis, an Ekeler, and a guy named Deke. Got to keep those pronunciation guides handy, haters.

The strength coach is named Lou Hernandez. Don’t need two guesses to know where this is going.

Personnel

First things first— all of Carolina’s players were overrated as recruits. They get the “Carolina bump” because BIG HIGH SCHOOL SCOUTING is in cahoots with our athletic department to raise interest in our under-supported program. Once on campus, those players never make it to the NFL (don’t bother following up, its true). With Mitchellbiscuits, Elijah Wood, and a receiver named Bug among those gone, a proper UNC hater should be ready to drop some sick burns on the next wave of Tar Heel losers.

Buddy, this team is RIPE for parody.

This PROGRAM is ripe for parody.

No other athletic departments would dare be such an embarrassment.